Heavy Gazes
by Pokka
Summary: God, she really couldn't stand his eyes on her.


God, she really couldn't stand his eyes on her.

The feeling of his gaze weighed upon her skin like the memory of his body slung over her shoulder on Virmire, like the familiar feeling of his armor as it clacked against her own on the long shuttle rides planetside, like his hands sliding down her waist as he held her so, so tight as they hurtled toward the unknown of Ilos.

It felt like those fleeting moments trapped in the vacuum of space, the oxygen spewing from her suit and wheezing from her lungs, and all she could think was ' _at least they're safe_ ' as the endless void swallowed her whole.

Perhaps it was made worse because she didn't hate him, not like she was supposed to. She couldn't, no matter how he hurt her and how she tried, her poor pathetic heart refused to allow her to hate Kaidan Alenko.

Maybe, it was made worse because she didn't hate him, but she didn't love him, either. Once, she might've, back before she died and the galaxy went to hell. Once, she might've truly fell for those warm eyes and gentle hands, for the sweet smiles and the laugh smoother than a river bedrock. Yes, Commander Shepard could have easily loved Lieutenant Alenko, but she missed her chance.

He had loved her; or maybe he _thought_ he loved her or he loved the _idea_ of her, she could never decide on which truth she wanted to hear. She wasn't sure if she thought it could have been _true_ love. Not with how shortly they'd known each other, not with how her reputation had preceded her so thoroughly. Puppy love, might've been a more apt description. But the thought of being loved, of being _expected_ to love in return...terrified her. Chasing Saren had provided an excellent excuse to be distant, to constantly be preoccupied, but after? She didn't know what to do with after.

In the end, she just wasn't ready. She wasn't lying when she said she'd moved past Mindoir and Akuze, she truly did…mostly, _but_ her commitment issues weren't related to that. Commander Shepard was known for being married to her job. End of story. She didn't have time for romance and relationships, not to mention that they were a direct violation of Alliance protocol.

Hell, she could get court marshaled over a booty call. Frankly, that's not how she imagined her career ending.

That in mind, Horizon was...something else. It hurt like nothing else to have someone she once trusted to look at her like she was a monster. Their almost-could-have-been relationship aside, they were _friends_. The least he could've offered her was the benefit of the doubt, to at least show that he _hoped_ she was herself and not a Cerberus clone.

But no, he'd glared at her like he didn't know her, spat insults like her name had turned to acid on his tongue. On a fundamental level, she understood that he needed to pour out his pain lest he drown in it. Here she was, showing up right when he clearly decided to move on, it would be an unpleasant shock to anyone's system. But that didn't make it hurt any less.

Shepard had taken each blow and wished that her shields could protect her against words. No matter how she tried to defend herself, tried to convince him that she hadn't changed, not really, he heard none of it. Garrus and Grunt stood at her flanks, watching wearily as their unbreakable commander was stripped bare and torn to pieces, and she wished there was something she could do to prove that she was tougher than a few mean words. She merely lifted her chin, straightened her spine, let the storm hit her full force, and when it was over, she left.

Commander Shepard made it a point to always be the first one on the field and the last one off, and this was no different. Grunt hopped in the shuttle first, but he never left the doorway, choosing to wait with his gun at the ready- a clear threat. Garrus hesitated, obviously trying his best to calculate the odds of Kaiden pulling something and Shepard's willingness to fire back if he did. He climbed up into the shuttle beside Grunt, waiting as well. Shepard turned, paused, and decided that, yes, she did want the last word. Yes, she did want to leave him with something to think on, perhaps he'll come to the conclusion that she really was herself. Maybe he'd do it before she got herself killed in the Omega 4.

"Y'know," she beings, allowing her voice to carry across the space between them and rest in the gentle breeze, wrapping around them both in hopes of tethering them one last time, "Anderson believes me. Hackett. Liara. Tali, Garrus, Wrex, Joker...they all believe me." She takes in a deep breath, closing her eyes as her lungs fill with real, unfiltered air for the first time in what feels like forever. When she opens her eyes, she's no longer looking at Kaiden, letting the feeling of his gaze rest heavy on her shoulders but not on her heart. Yeah, maybe Kaiden will hate her forever because of something she couldn't control. Maybe that will eat at her for the rest of her numbered days, but fuck it. She was just so goddamn tired of trying to bend over backwards for the galaxy only to have it kick her down anyway. Kaiden could come around, or he could stay in her past, forever known as the could-have-been with a sweet smile and a golden heart.

"You don't have to believe me, but if you ever come around, you know where to find me."

And with that, she leaves, the shuttle thrumming to life as she steps aboard. She doesn't look back, not as the thrusters blow dirt and leaves into a frenzy and force an old friend to cover his eyes and back away. She instead looks to her squadmates- Grunt still staring Kaiden down through the shaded window set into the door, a look that clearly meant murder, his lips pulled back in a barely concealed snarl, and Garrus...Garrus was already looking at her, blue eyes simultaneously sharp and soft all at once. She offers him a small smile, and his mandibles flare a little in response, the thin skin of his throat shading a fine dusting of blue. Huh. For the first time since waking up, Shepard is beginning to think that there may be a little bit more that this galaxy has to offer, and maybe, just maybe...her days don't have to be so numbered after all.


End file.
